Defeated for now

This is a bit out of the scope of the topic of my blog. But it's my blog so I can do whatever I want with it, right?

Ever feel like you just don't know what to do anymore? About anything? While there's so much riding on you from people who think you're just so great. "You're so smart, so bright, so full of potential," they say and you just feel like the biggest loser. You don't know how to deal with your first love, if there's even anything salvageable after all these years, you don't feel like you can be very good at school, you wonder your potential anymore, your interests, passions, goals, motivations. What do I do? All of this is my fault, I know... Who else do I have to blame for feeling like this?

I don't even know what I want anymore, ya know? -for ANYthing. You name it: I won't know.

I just feel sooooo....... SOOOOOOO................ defeated. I'm sorry for being a whiny baby. I'm just having a not so good moment.

Honestly, I just want to run away to a foreign country where no one knows me and no one can have pre-judgments upon my character-whether good or bad.
Am I allowed to do that? If I run away now and come back in a few months, could I still get financial aid for school? See this? Always an internal battle with myself. I won't do anything that risks something I fear I won't ever get back. I drive myself crazy, I swear.

Where should I go hypothetically?
Europe?
Asia?
Russia?

Can I just leave and subsist off the land or something...? Does it work like that? I feel like that only happens in movies.